Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
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Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
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Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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