My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
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His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
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I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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