for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
