but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
