apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
