yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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