Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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