Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
