I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Randomize
