girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
