I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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