dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
