I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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