If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
