I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just googled if crying burns calories
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
