At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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