I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
