who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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