Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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