I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
