My Higher Power is John Stamos
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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