I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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