Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
