Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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