Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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