I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
