Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
