We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
