Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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