Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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