How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
