They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
