I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
