i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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