Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
