I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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