I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
