The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
