i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
