I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
