You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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