I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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