You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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