My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
