Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
