you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
