i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
