Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
