i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
