I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
