I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
His hands were made for my vagina.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
