Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
