"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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