Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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