Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
