Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
