So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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