I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
