I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize